Useless

Useless is exactly how I am feeling today. I met my deadlines this morning, but haven't been able to "make myself" do anything else, even though I have a stack of work that needs to be done by Monday! (but I am thanking God for the work)

I think this past week has just gotten to me. Busy with work, a dear friend died suddenly on Tuesday (today was the funeral), DH's aunt is not doing well (has cancer) and we have been trying to help out (though alot of this has fallen on DH more than myself secondary to my work schedule), etc.

Praise the Lord it is Friday, because I really need some sleep.

caffeine

One thing that I really enjoy is my caffeine, more specifically Coca-Cola and coffee. Well, as I was preparing for my FET I was a really good girl and stopped ALL CAFFEINE. But once we got our BFN I began to have some coke again, and finally this weekend I had my coffee - and can I just tell you how wonderful it was. LOL

I will get myself back on track again, firstly because I know that this is not good for me, but also because I want my body in the best possible state that it could be in when we do get to start our IVF cycle. So one last 'little' binge for me.

It was about this time last year...

...that our hearts were opening up for embryo adoption. I was actually "hinting" at the idea during Thanksgiving with my mother, to lay the groundwork for the coming months to actually tell my parents this was our plans. It is crazy how things can change so much over the course of months, turning into year(s). I am not exactly sure why we were led down the road of embryo adoption and for it to not work, but I have a few ideas now.



DH and I talked about adopting someday, even before we were engaged - before we knew that there would be issues with infertility. Adoption was always something that was special to us. So when we found out that conceiving without medical assistance would most likely be impossible, we automatically defaulted to adoption. In 2005 we had our first failed adoption attempt. We were then forced into a break. We then decided in 2008 to become licensed for foster-to-adopt. During this process we were approached with an opportunity for a independent adoption and we began talking with the birth-mother over the phone - we got to "know" her and she made plans with us regarding the birth and how we would handle everything, but on the day that we were to meet her in person she no showed us and had her phone turned off, so this adoption opportunity failed also.



After things fell apart with the second failed adoption, we decided to reconsider fertility treatments, but as we began thinking about the process we started to have questions about ethically how to handle situations that may arise, and that is when we found information regarding embryo adoption. I know that God led us to it and through it. I know that Caden and Journey were provision from God, and I am very thankful for them, even if their lives were but a vapor.



For so many reasons we had given up on the thought of ever having biological children, and we still don't know what God has in store for us (over the course of 7 years our lives have changed so many times and in so many ways and our idea of how our family would grow has changed through it all). We are financially exhausted after all of these attempts and really thought that this embryo adoption would be the end of the road for us, because we had no more money and had already borrowed too much money - there was no money left to do anything else, but God - He moved on the heart of my mother-in-law, and she has offered to help us out with an attempt at IVF w/ICSI - something I never thought we would actually be able to do or would do. She has offered to pay for the cycle, if we can come up with the money for medications (potentially $3,000). I am so amazed! I am so thankful! And I am so thankful that we have learned what we have through embryo adoption. Because of it we have a better understanding about life, and therefore can make better decisions.

God is Always in the Mix

If you allow God to, He will teach you so many things throughout your life's trials - including infertility. The weekend of our negative BETA I heard a message about Job. I had never before heard Job's life described quite like the way it was described that day. But there were two very important points from Job's life that I had to learn, needed to learn (and am still learning I suppose), especially while I was in those very dark days.

Point #1 - God is God, and He owes us no explanations.
Point # 2 - Especially when things look their worst, God is always in the mix - He is always involved - He is always there.

And even though I was still sad and mad and grieving and hurting and felt as though there was no hope, these two points helped me to be "okay" with my current circumstances - that someday I would again see that light at the end of the tunnel, and someday I would even be standing in that light.

Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. ~Eccles. 7:8 (KJV)

Disconnected and Worn Out

That is how I feel.
Of the so many things that are going on in my life, and of the so many things I am trying to get figured out - I just feel so overwhelmed but yet so disconnected from it all, like I am just kind of going through the motions, and yet I am so worn out.

The emotions are still running wild also. DH and I have been doing somewhat better since we decided that we are going to try to get things figured out to try another attempt at becoming parents, but then again this is emotional - trying to get it figured out too - but at least we have hope that we didn't have almost a month ago.

Another thing playing with our emotions, we also just found out that one of DH's cousins (who is not married, still living at home with her parents) is pregnant - and within a week of where I should have been in my pregnancy - so this will not be easy. Each time we see her will be a reminder of where we should have been. And the guy that she is pregnant by has tried to talk her into getting an abortion. Thankfully she is not going to go through with it. It is these situations that happen that you cannot help but question - Why? Why in the world did she get pregnant, not wanting to get pregnant? And us, who just went through everything we went through and spent all that money, not get pregnant??? I just really hope that everything works out for this innocent baby. And I am trusting God that there is a reason why he didn't let this cycle work for us. I have to cling to that, and trust in Him, because I know He knows best and actually sees the whole picture - the picture that I only see a glimpse of a portion of.

A vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

Everything is still so fresh, it is hard not to realize what could have been. This past week I should have had my first ultrasound. DH and I should have been celebrating and anticipating the arrival of these two little lives that would have been a part of our family here on earth, but instead we are having to 'celebrate' through our tears the very short, vapour of a life that they experienced with us and rejoice in the peace of knowing they are now in the arms of Jesus.

We did decide to name our embies, and though we know they were only days old - they were still lives to be celebrated and they were are our children.

One of our embies was "not as strong" (per the embryologist) but we were told this little one still had a chance. We named this little one Caden, which means "fighter." Our other little one looked "really good" according to our embyrologist, and this little one we have named Journey.

One thing that is certain, our entire inferitility journey has been a fight with so many ups and downs. I do believe that there is a reason for the adoption of Caden and Journey, and I know they were very loved -- first by their genetic parents and then also by us.



Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. ~ James 4:14 (KJV)

not ready to give up

I abandoned my blog, mostly because I really want to try to be positive on here and when I am "down" and not able to be "positive," I feel like it is better for me not to try to blog, etc., but then again, if I do that, I am not being completely honest about how I am feeling and that is also the purpose of sharing my story through the blog. So that I can be completely honest about how I am feeling.

I know many of you know exactly what I have been feeling like. Many of you also have had extremely long and difficult journeys, trying to become a mother. At this point we have lost 4 children, in one way or another, over the course of 7 years. I guess one of the hardest things about this journey is that so many people around you (in "real life") just don't understand, and therefore tend to say some things that can be very hurtful (even though I realize they are not trying to "hurt" by what they say- it still does).

I have been thinking alot about October 9th, the day we got our negative beta. It was such a dreary day outside, cold and raining. On our way back home from the clinic, through our tears we looked up and saw a rainbow. But this was no ordinary rainbow - we were literally in the rainbow. I have never seen anything like it before, and before our eyes we watched this rainbow transform to cover the entire length of the sky that we could see. I always think about God and His promises when I see rainbows. And though I have been mourning the loss of these two precious babies that I will not get to hold in my arms, I am still clinging to the hope that I will one day be a joyful mother of children (Psalm 113:9) and one day I will hold my blessing(s) in my arms.

I am not ready to give up on my dream of being a mother.