BBA Nomination

Thanks so much to Jess (at A Greater Yes) for the nomination! Thanks for thinking my little life is interesting enough to check into from time to time!! And thanks for giving my mind something else to think about this weekend!!! :o)


So I am supposed to share seven interesting facts about myself. Well, I am not so sure that I am that 'interesting' but here are some things you may not know about me:

1. My all time favorite movie is Labyrinth.

2. I was home-schooled.

3. When I was in middle school I had a pet iguana.

4. I can play the violin and even own a white electric violin (but don't get it out too much these days).

5. I was 14 years old when I met DH.

6. I had my belly button pierced when I was 18 years old, but took it out last year right before we began our FET (wanted it to begin healing before pregnancy).

7. I hate to bake, but love to make/bake homemade bread.


And for the seven bloggers (it was really hard to only pick seven!) that I want to nominate to also receive the BEAUTIFUL BLOGGER AWARD:

1. Heather at Empty Womb, Hopeful Heart

2. Jeanette at Temporary Insanity

3. Stacy at The Royal Report

4. Michele at BTW...We did not "Just Relax"

5. Breen at Chapman Journey to a Baby

6. Tracy at The Waring Embryo Adoption Journey

7. Miss Megan at Meg and Si's Perils with Infertility and IVF

So here's what you need to do:
Thank the person who nominated you and copy the award in your blog.
Link the person who nominated you for this award.
Share seven interesting things about yourself.
Nominate seven fellow bloggers and add the links to their blogs

the 'what-if's'

Thanks everyone for your encouraging comments. Over this week I have found myself living for the weekend. I just haven't been motivated and it has been difficult to focus on work. This month we are taking our 'break,' and I am thankful because I am still so sore (from the OHSS and readjusting ovaries perhaps?). Hopefully this time/break we allow my body to do what it needs to do to be receptive for a pregnancy. [and I admit it has been nice to splurge on some junk food and caffeine over this last week - but I will be getting myself back on track soon enough]

Though I have been so looking forward to making it to the weekend, I also worry about the weekend because of the free time - it gives time for my mind to wonder more, and my mind is already worn out. Especially with the "what-if's". I don't mean to do it, but I find myself asking that question alot, in various forms, wondering if there was something that I should have done differently. But I do realize the reality - I do understand that it was not necessarily something I did wrong - it was simply up to God, and this time his answer was, "No."

So, hopefully I can find something that is both relaxing, yet entertaining enough for the weekend to keep my mind from "thinking too much."

The Follow-up

Today was the "What-Went-Wrong" Appointment with the RE.

And there were no real answers. The only thing that he suspects (even with our 'long list' of questions) was that my E2 levels were too high during the fresh cycle (because of my many eggs). But he has seen women become pregnant with similar levels, so he was only speculating this was the reason.

And of course, sometimes it just doesn't happen.

But he does not feel that I need any further testing. All he could do was to encourage us not to give up. (Easy for him to do/say when he isn't the one paying for each cycle.) Thankfully we have a FET, which was part of the package we purchased, so the next cycle will not cost extra. Praying it is the one that works, that we get our miracle(s).

sad

I have been so sad today. We tested early (Monday and Tuesday) and were prepared for the BETA on Wednesday. And in the whirlwind of the week, I thought I was "okay" (at least as okay as one could be with all of this happening).

But today.
Today I think it just all hit me.
It all became real all of a sudden.
It really is final.
We really did lose these two precious embryos of ours. And though I am so thankful that we have other embryos waiting for us, I still miss these two babies that I will not get to hold in my arms here on earth.

With a failed IVF or FET cycle, it is hard to know how to truly process it. Because "technically" you were never actually pregnant because the embryos did not implant. But yet, when you go through these cycles, embryos were placed into your body - these living embryos. And then the cycle fails, and you know that they are no longer living. [And for those around you that do not understand this process (or infertility for that matter) simply think, oh well, you didn't get pregnant this time.] But it really is so much more than "a failed cycle" because you did lose these embies. And yet you did not technically miscarry them either.

Sorry, I am rambling. I am just really sad and having trouble processing it today.

Foster Care

It has been over a year since we told DCS to take us off their call list for placements. And through the last year it has been very quiet, but today -out of the blue- we got a call from DCS wondering if we would take a placement for a "mentally challenged" child. (Not sure of the details.) But firstly, we are still grieving our latest loss. Secondly, the room that is set-up for a child is currently overflowing with stuff because of our move (office back to the house) - we just have had too much going on to get it together, besides we haven't had much reason to hurry with it anyway. And thirdly, with the state of our minds right now, we thought that a child who is mentally challenged may be just too much for us at this time and we would not be what is best for them.

Obviously, we told them we were still not in a place to accept the placement. But how odd to get the call today.

BETA

It is official.
Beta was negative.

Because I am supposedly healthy, and have had 2 perfect cycles (FET from our EA, and this Fresh IVF), but both have failed we are going to meet with the doctor and re-group before proceeding with another FET.

We are sad, but at least we were prepared because of testing early.

catching up

Sorry, but I have alot of catching up to do, and I am trying to take some old notes and actually put them where they belong date-wise.

But basically what has happened is we completed our IVF cycle (transfer was on 1-18-10) and beta is tomorrow (and the results are not looking good, as I have been testing negative since 7dp5dt).

The cycle overall was good, as I responded well to the meds and embryos were of excellent quality, but I developed OHSS after egg retrieval and had a rough go of it. (I am doing much better now.)

So, for my records I am trying to go back and document the experience and hopefully be able to get back on track with my blogging.

Please forgive me if you are bombarded by "new posts" from me on your dashboard.